Children Learn by Watching/Be Consistent-Be Diligent

“You are on stage all the time (Steinberg, pg. 15)”. Children are constantly watching us and will usually be the first to correct a bad decision. We know that when children are young they imitate especially when they start to pretend play. You will usually hear them say things that you have said before. They want to be like you and so if we want them to be good we must be good. Another thing we learned from Steinberg is; “ One way that children learn about the world is by making sense of the behavior of the adults around them (Steinberg, pg. 16)”. Parents need to be diligent in how they parent and are as a person. If a parent wants their children to listen and respect them then they need to be consistent in respecting and listening to them. Peach my Gospel says, “The Lord expects you to work diligently-persistently and with great effort and care (Christlike Attributes, 121)’. The Lord expects diligence because he has the bigger picture and knows that we are being examples to all those around us. The Lord knows that our children will have their eyes open to how we do and say things and if we are to lead them on the strait and narrow course then we need to show great effort so that they will learn those attributes. I also see this in the gospel. People say there is something that sets us apart from other people. They say that they have been watching and have learned that we are different. These people have seen the diligence in living the gospel.

Be Involved-The Family Proclamation

“The strongest and most consistent predictor of children’s mental health, adjustment, happiness, and well-being is the level of involvement of their parents in their life (Steinberg, pg. 48)”.  When parents are involved you see their desire to provide, protect and nurture their children. These parents want the best for their children and would do anything to help them. When a child has an involved parent they feel they can accomplish anything because they have support. The family proclamation states the role of the parents. Husband and Wife are to rare their children in love and righteousness. Husbands are to preside, provide, and protect. Mothers are to nurture. Each of those actions tells us that the parent is involved in their children’s well being. Parenting is not a part time endeavor, but it’s constantly being involved. When parents are involved they are expressing their love and concern for their child. Actions speak loudly than words. In the gospel we are constantly being taught that we need to know who are children are by asking questions and being involved in their education, spirituality, and hobbies. As we are involved we can come to know their strengths and weaknesses and then help them the best that we can. When King Benjamin is addressing the people he also says, “And ye will not suffer your children that they go hungry, or naked; neither will ye suffer that they transgress the laws of God, and fight and quarrel one with another, and serve the devil, who is the master of sin, or who is the evil spirit which hath been spoken of by our fathers, he being an enemy to all righteousness. But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness: ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another (Mosiah 4:14-15)”. We can teach our children effectively when we are involved in their daily lives. 

Choices for Children- Agency

“ I believe our default position ought to be to let kids make decisions about matters that concern them except when there is a compelling reason for us to override that right ( Kohn, pg. 168)”. When we let children make decisions we are helping them to grow and feel responsible. This will also help them in years to come when they have bigger decisions to make. If we make all the decisions for our children then we are holding them back and disabling them from thinking, planning out and carrying out the plan of action. Kohn continues to share that; “Teenagers who are able to participate in family decision-making are more apt to rely on their parents and to share many of their beliefs. They also end up feeling better about themselves, liking school more, and preferring more challenging assignments-and, if all that’s not enough, they’re also more likely to stay out of trouble (Kohn, pg 169)”.  I have seen how this can affect kids for both the good and bad. In class a girl shared that she never made decisions and always did what her mom said. She is now in college and calls her mom for everything. She feels held back and unable to decide things for herself and it has also affected her self-esteem and self-worth. “The way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by following directions (Kohn, pg 169)”. God sent us to earth to gain a body and having earthly experiences. In our experiences we would learn and grow, distinguish good from evil, and to make choices. Our choices will determine where we go from this earthly life. As President Thomas S. Monson said, “Decisions determine Destiny (Monson, Pathways to Perfection)”. We also can read in 2 Nephi 2:26, “And the Messiah cometh in the fullness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day, according to the commandments which God hath given”.

Quality Time-Family Home Evening

“You’ve probably heard the term “quality time” mentioned as a way of assuring parents that it’s not how much time you spend with your child that matters, but what you do when you are together (Steinberg, pg. 50)”. Children form an attachment when they are infants and then as they grow they begin to have a bond with you as a parent. That bond can only happen when we set time aside to focus on the child and their interest. Quality time is not about doing what we like but really drawing our attention on the child and their wants. It is also removing all distractions and giving them what they need. When we do this we show our love and appreciation of who they are and what they are learning. I also like the other definitions that Steinberg gives for quality time; “Quality time is defined by your state of mind, not by a set of activities. It’s time where you are really engaged with your child (Steinberg, pg. 51)”. I point this out because the Lord has spoken to his prophets who then direct us in the things of the Lord. We have been counseled to hold Family Home Evening every Monday evening with our family. Family Home Evening helps to set aside time to be able to be with one another and have no disruptions. Heavenly Father knows how busy we are with our daily routines, but more important he knows the significance of our family relationships is. He knows that we needed guidance to understand that we can learn and grow so much when we are in our homes as a family. Family Home Evening is times to pray, sing, gain spiritual enlightenment, as well as share in some fun activities. As we do these things we come to learn more about each other and then we get to also teach our children that family quality time is important, eternally important. One example I think about often is when King Benjamin gathers his people, “And it came to pass that when they came up to the temple, they pitched their tents round about, every man according to his family, consisting of his wife, and his sons, and his daughters, from the eldest down to the youngest, every family being separate one from another ( Mosiah 2:5)’. When we are together as a family we are more able to love, support and serve one another.

Establish Rules and Set Limits-The Ten Commandments

“The most important thing that children need from their parents is love, but a close second is structure. One of the main ways you create structure in your child’s life is by having expectations for proper behavior as well as constraints on how much freedom you child is granted (Steinberg, pg. 87)”. I love this because so many times we hear kids complaining about the rules their parents have placed on them, but rules and limits are only done out of love. Parents do have to understand that rules or limits are sometimes temporary because a child ages and they don’t need the same restrictions as before. Our parenting has to change as the child begins to change. Also, some children will need more limitations and rules then another. As we set those limits and rules we need to discuss them with the child so that they can understand and know the exact limitation. When we do this we are showing our love and desire to help our children. Heavenly Father gave us commandments because he loves us. He wants to be happy and we will show our love back to Heavenly Father when we observe and keep the commandments he has given. Each of us has been given the commandments and when we obey we are blessed and when we don’t obey we are given a consequence. I really love the scripture in Mosiah 2:41, “And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of never ending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it”.  As we teach our children why there are rules and limits we will also help them to understand that true happiness comes when we are obedient to each of them. 

Learn from your mistakes-Repentance

Parents are humans and humans make mistakes. We must recognize that in this life we are going to make mistakes, which enables us to learn and grow. As parents we are learning how to raise each child and learning to live for them. We will still have bad days every so often, but it's all in how we walk away from the situations. As parents we need to know that our children are always watching and we need them to know we are not perfect. We read the following in chapter 1 of "10 Basic Principles of Good Parenting" that, "When you understand why you made a mistake, you can figure out what went wrong and take steps to minimize the chances of it happening again, so that this sort of errant parenting doesn't become a regular part of your child's home environment (Steinberg, pg. 24)". He continues to say, "If you've made a mistake as a parent, there is no point in pretending that what you did was right. It's important for parents to admit their mistakes, to their spouse and to their child, as long as they do so in a way that the child can understand (Steinberg, pg. 26)". This is also a great example to the child of teaching how to apologize and receive their forgiveness. In the gospel we learn the principle of repentance. In Preach my Gospel on page 62 we learn what repentance is, "When we repent we are changing our thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that are not in harmony with his will. Repentance includes forming a fresh view of God, ourselves, and the world". Just as a parent we need to have a fresh view of how we are going to handle the next situation we are faced with. When our children act up and we get mad when then need to recognize, admit, and change how we will respond the next time. Preach my Gospel continues with, "As we change, we recognize that we are children of God and that we need not continue making the same mistakes over and over. If we sincerely repent, we turn away from our sins and do them no more (PMG, pg 62)". Once again as we learn from our mistakes we desire to not repeat them again and again.

Providing a Safe Haven-Temples

Steinberg said that, "Its fine to make your home comfortable and attractive, but no amount of fancy upholstery, plush carpeting, or state-of-the-art electronics can take the place of a warm and affectionate climate where people treat each other with affection, kindness, and respect (Steinberg, pg. 42)". The home is where we want our children to feel emotionally comfortable because then they will always have a refuge from the world. Today we need to help our children to remove themselves from the noise of the world. It's good to learn and make decisions, but then there is a time and a place to help a child remember who they are and what they stand for. "Children need to feel their home is a place where they can retreat from the tensions and pressures of everyday life. Create the sort of atmosphere in your home that allows your child to really relax and escape from his problems. Your child needs to feel that no matter how bad things get, he always has a safe and secure place to come home to (Steinberg, pg.43)". When we have a secure place to go to we are able to feel and hear the whisperings of the spirit, which is a comfort to us in a world ever so changing. When children are given a place to go to then we can help them to recognize the spirit in their lives. Our Heavenly Father has provided a safe haven, temples, all over the world. In the Book of Mormon we read in 2 Nephi 14:6, "And there shall be a tabernacle for a shadow in the daytime from the heat, and for a place of refuge, and a covert from storm and from rain". Heavenly Father has time and time again spoke through his children in years past that temples would be built upon the mountain or hill so that we could go and remove ourselves from the every day life and have time to reflect, learn, and be inspired of what more we can do in our life. If we parents are setting the example of attending the temple then our children will see it and not only that they will start to ask questions. They will see that when we come home from the temple that we are happy, refreshed and ready to tackle the next task. Heavenly Father knew the challenges we would face here in mortality, but he loves us so much that he would never leave us alone and that's why he dwells in his temples. We will be able to teach our children that when life is hard and we feel alone that we can go and feel peace and love in a safe place. We can even take our children to the temple ground where it is dedicated. We are commanded to go to the Lord's house often and as we do we will receive blessings. As we keep our home a safe haven we will receive the spirit more abundantly and teach our children that they always have a place to come when needed. I want to conclude with more guidance from the scriptures, Doctrine and Covenants Section 88:119, " Organize yourself; prepare every needful thing, and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God".